January 9, 2013

complexion.

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If you looked closely, you would notice that my complexion isn't that of a newborn baby. Or a baby at any age, really. Not that I want the complexion of a baby, but you get my point.

I have scars. Scars on my face that I've been afraid of talking about for a long time now. Scars that I don't think I've talked about with anyone, really. I'm not sure why I'm posting about it now, but I'm sure people have wondered about them, wondered what happened to my face, wondered why my face is the way it is, etc. Fortunately, I live around and surround myself with kind enough people who don't ask me. But I'm sure they've at least wondered.

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I guess I've been self-conscious about my complexion ever since middle school. Back in those days when make-up was the greatest rite of passage and putting it on in the bathroom with all the other girls in your clique was what the cool kids did. Let me just make myself clear and say that I was not, nor will I ever consider myself to be, a cool kid. Surprised, right?

Anyway, back in those days I did something horrid and I didn't wash my face with those acne facial soaps like most people did. I make myself cringe just typing that because I have no idea why I didn't.

The only possible answer that I can come up with is that that's just who I was. Self-conscious, easily embarrassed and much too shy. I could have easily sneaked some of my sister's face wash while in the bathroom (and I'm sure my mom put it next to the handsoap for all to use), but I didn't. You see, back in those days I never talked about beauty + growing up with anybody. What am I saying, I still don't. So future principals out there, please don't make me teach Family Life to a classroom of fifth graders. You'd better believe I'll be that awkward teacher who blushes like crazy the whole time.

Hold on, I'm getting side-tracked. Anyway, being the embarrassed and stressed and dare I say hormone-filled girl that I was, I got acne. That wonderful, teenager stuff that is one of the reasons why I don't think I'm made for teaching middle school. Getting acne wasn't the problem. It was how I dealt with it.

Yeah. I think we all know how I got the scars on my face now. I honestly can't even get myself to type it up because I'm scared of grossing either you or myself out. But my scars are what they are. And today, instead of trying to hide them, I wear them like statement jewelry. Okay, maybe not so proudly and I like to think that they aren't as noticeable, but they're there and I don't make an effort to hide them anymore.

verse2They're a part of my identity and I can't imagine what I would look like without them. Over the years, as I've started to use more face wash related products (thank goodness I came to my senses), I've also been a lot less stressed; turning my hopes, fears, and worries to God instead of trying to bury them deeper in my mind/heart. I like to think that my scars aren't nearly as noticeable as they were back when I was middle/high school but I don't think I'm a fair judge of that.

More importantly, I think my complexion speaks to me about my past and who God created me to be. I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be. I am not made to be a supermodel nor do I dream to be. I'm just me. He created me in His image. Not mine, not society's but His.

I am not thin, not scar-free, not perfect.

But I am His and that is all that matters.


p.s. I was inspired to write + share my story after reading these blogs.

14 comments

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you so much! That really means a lot. :)

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  2. you are beautiful, and it takes a lot to write about something like this. praise God for our identities that are founded in Him, and not in our physical appearance. after all, we are more than worthy because of Christ who gave His life for us :)

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    1. Yes, yes, yes! Well said and so truthful, too! We are definitely more worthy because of Christ. And thank you so much. It really means a lot. :)

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  3. This was such a great post. I look forward to more of your thoughts, and thank your for sharing!

    *now your newest follower via greader. :)

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    1. Thank you! I look forward to getting to know you, too! Thank you for stopping by my little blog and taking the time to read it, too! :)

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  4. I think it takes a lot of courage to write about something like this that could be a touchy subject. I'm glad you shared your heart today! And you're right, you're beautiful in Jesus no matter what :)

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    1. Thank you, it really did! I debated a long time about sharing this part of me and I just felt like the time was right. And yes, knowing that we're beautiful in Jesus and because of Jesus is what's most important! Just so hard to remember sometimes. :)

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  5. Replies
    1. That is definitely the truth. Thanks for reading! :)

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  6. beautiful...inside and out! xo

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    Replies
    1. thank you so much! that really means a lot. :)

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  7. You are so courageous. I also struggled with acne, and still do.
    It has always been something I was ashamed of - I've grown to realize that my face isn't as important as I think it is.

    God intended my beauty to be deeper than my skin.
    Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I don't really think of myself as courageous, so hearing that from you means so much! :) I definitely still have struggles with acne and remembering that God finds me beautiful despite what the world may think. Thank you for visiting and for reminding me that God intended our beauty to be beyond our skin and outer appearances.

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