May 20, 2013

a heavy monday to you, friend.

struggle
I have lots of struggles. I struggle with saying no to tortilla chips. I struggle with finding the perfect pair of jeans. I struggle with telling people how to pose for photos. But those aren't really the struggles you were expecting from a prompt like this, amiright?

When I first read today's prompt, I took a moment to think about what I should share. I contemplated recycling an old post (is that a blogger no-no?) but then I thought of two other struggles that I haven't really written on. Two struggles that I have since realized share the same roots and if written on, will produce a sort of long and heavy post, too. So a very heavy Monday to you, friend.

Someone wrote in one of my high school yearbooks how perfect I was. At the time, I took it as a sweet compliment because who doesn't want to be described as such? It beats being described as imperfect, right? So for awhile, I took it as just that. A sweet compliment.

That's where I was wrong. I know the person meant it as a sweet compliment and I hold nothing against the person who wrote it. And it was nice to know that people thought I had my life all put together, even though that's not how my life really was. I was a Christian, but wasn't necessarily a believer or a follower, just an identifier. I didn't realize how imperfect I was because I was striving to be the impossible. Perfect.

My whole life could be described as a perfection-striver. Striving--but never achieving--perfect hair, perfect grades, and perfect relationships. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be like my big sister, and I wanted to be seen as the girl who had it all together.

But I didn't. I didn't have the perfect grades, I definitely didn't have the perfect hair, and I wasn't the perfect friend.

After becoming a believer and follower, I discovered that in trying to be perfect, I was distancing myself from God. I wasn't letting Him tell me and show me my imperfections. I wasn't letting Him show me His perfection. And as soon as I let go of that perfectionism, I found myself freer. Sure, I still struggle with wanting to post the most perfect photos and having perfect hair (I'm still looking to find the secret ingredient to tame my hair, btw), but I also feel comfort in knowing that it's okay to be imperfect.
bw
Another thing that I find myself currently struggling with is making sure I'm completely transparent. Making sure that the life I write about--trying to be more God-loving and God-living--is 100% how I am in "real" life. Open about talking about God, open about praying out loud for people I hardly know, open about my struggles and weaknesses. I made the first step in opening up my blog to my Facebook friends, but it's still a daily struggle for me to make sure I'm being transparent about my weaknesses. I want to be transparent because I want people to know that just because I believe in Him, it doesn't mean that I'm perfect. It means that I'm imperfect, but that His love is perfect for me.

It means that it's okay if I struggle, it's okay if people see me as weak. Because it's when I'm weak, I know and feel His tremendous strength.

So here's to being transparent. To being real with my struggles, to being open about every bit and piece in my life. Here's to living for Him 100% of the time.

"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2nd Corinthians 12:10


17 comments

  1. Massively, huge cyber-hug, my dear imperfect friend Kiki!!

    I identify with this post so much and I honestly think we all can! And for the record, I really do see you as being a transparent blogger. I know we ALWAYS can be more open and vulnerable about our struggles, but already you've achieved it so much. What you have already shared is huge. Keep it up, my friend!

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    1. Thank you, girl! And the hug is gladly accepted and reciprocated!

      Thank you for that encouragement, too. I never really thought that I was that transparent because I tend to be the exact opposite in face-to-face conversations, so it's completely surprising to see that others see me as such on my blog. Thank you for pushing me (in a good way!) to keep being honest. You have no idea how much you've helped me grow! :)

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  2. Girl, this hit me right in the feelings. I've been there. Heck, I'm there right now! I would never want to be seen as perfect or "having it all together". As Christians, we want people to know that nobody is like that! You put it so perfectly – "just because I believe in Him, it doesn't mean that I'm perfect. It means that I'm imperfect, but that His love is perfect for me". Just, wow. I've always seen you as open with your struggles and such a real blogger– it's one of the reasons we connect so well! So blessed to read your heart today friend :)

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    1. YES! That's exactly how I feel and I love that you agree with me. I don't want people to think of me (or Christians in general) as perfect because I think that puts us on a pedestal that not even we can surmount.

      And um this girl over here just teared up a little when I read your comment. You have been such a blessing to me in your encouragement, your wisdom, and your friendship as well. :)

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  3. i think i have an easier time being transparent on my blog than i do in real life. i struggle with that. i'm actually pretty quiet and reserved in real life. whereas here in blog land i just kind of go for it without thinking about the reaction i will get. that being said, i do know that its the vulnerabilities of us that draw people in, so i'm working on it too. i think you're doing a great job. i think your voice seems very genuine (and awesome). :)

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    1. We're twins, because I'm the exact same way. Total introvert which is why blogging is pretty much my best friend. And vulnerabilities definitely draw people in and not only that, but they keep people coming, too.

      And thank you! That is a seriously sweet thing of you to say. Seriously.

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  4. One of my favorite quotes is

    I'm not ok.
    You're not ok.
    And that's ok.

    Ain't that the truth!!
    Transparency is a rare thing. Keep doing it friend! The world needs transparent women and christians.

    And sharing posts with your friends on FB... I share every one of mine but man... it's tough posting the link to one like I wrote today! I'm such a mess these days and sometimes I question if I want to let everyone know that or if I want to be so vulnerable with every person I know.

    BUT... it's worth it in the end because I get two things... encouragement/support/prayer and I also find friends that are in a similar place that I can go through it with.

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    1. That is definitely the truth! I think someone needs to make that quote go viral because I think that's something we ALL need to remind ourselves of.

      And YES, it's definitely tough to share and post links to my blog on Facebook. It's funny how I feel completely fine sharing myself with people I've never talked to face-to-face but feel uncomfortable sharing my struggles with people I really know. It could be because I feel like the sharing is then mostly one-sided, but I think it also has something to do with fear, too. But YES, it's definitely worth it. It definitely took a load off of my shoulders, too!

      And the world (especially the blogging world!) needs more transparent women. You and your blog definitely push me to be more transparent!

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  5. So blessed by this post! I too have (and if I'm honest, am still currently) struggled with being an "identifier" rather than a true, real, die-hard follower of Jesus. Am I being fully transparent in my love for Him both online and offline? A big fat NO is the answer to that one. I too have always been striving for perfection. But it's such a relief to know that He is there for us and doesn't need OR want us to be perfect! I have appreciated your candid transparency since the first time I read your blog. I'm working on doing the same - I don't want people to think I have it all together. I want them to see the struggles, because that's where I need Him most. xoxo

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    1. I STILL struggle with being more than just an identifier, so you're not alone! :) Being transparent online and offline is definitely hard stuff. For me, it's really hard because I feel like people in "real" life don't really want to hear the struggles and vulnerabilities. I mean, when they ask you how you're doing at the store or in passing, I tend to assume that they really don't have time for (or want to) hear all the tough + heartfelt stuff. But maybe I'm just naive? I don't know.

      But you're so right, He doesn't expect us to be perfect. He just expects us to be US.

      And thanks girl, I appreciate your kind words SOOO much. You're doing the same thing! I have really appreciated discovering all of our similarities and seeing your blog grow and blossom. :)

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  6. I think you are such a blessing and extremely transparent :) I too find it easy to be transparent on my blog, but hard in life :)

    Ashlee

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    1. Thanks girl! I feel the same way about you, too! And YES, so glad I'm not alone. Who would have thought that being transparent on our blogs would be easier than in a face-to-face conversation? It really makes me THAT much more grateful for blogging! :)

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  7. I think you are such a blessing and extremely transparent :) I too find it easy to be transparent on my blog, but hard in life :)

    Ashlee

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  8. I think we can all relate with this one... luckily we have a perfect God who loves us despite our imperfections! You are perfectly imperfect m'dear, just the way God made you. Thanks for being so open today! And for the record, I too struggle with saying no to too many tortilla chips...especially if there's guac involved.

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    1. Yes, we are so blessed to have a perfect God who loves us and our imperfections! And thank you, sometimes I feel like being open turns into being complain-y or something so I'm glad you see it as open and not the latter. And YES! If we ever meet up, I'm bringing guacamole and tortilla chips for sure. :)

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  9. I spent sooooo long being an identifier and not a follower. And the sad part is I didn't even realise. I thought I had to be a perfect Christian and have it all together. I'm so thankful that God made me realise that I am imperfect and that's okay. It makes such a difference. Even in the small things! Like for the first time since I was about 14, I don't feel embarassed or self conscious to be seen without make up.

    I definitely love the I'm not ok.You're not ok. And that's ok. quote that you were all talking about further up the comments :) xo

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    1. Same here! And there are times when I still come to that realization in my life. The same goes for being perfect, too. I used to think that Christians had to be perfect to shine His light, but I think it's really the opposite. It's being imperfect that shows we're human and relatable and it's through His love and mercy that we have this amazing hope and faith in Him. :)

      And I know, isn't the quote great? Laura is seriously full of wisdom and encouragement (as are you!).

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