September 10, 2013

STORIES AND SHAME.

someday

Shame has a negative connotation, no? When I think of shame, I think of feeling bad about something you've done. Big eyes looking up to an authority figure, lower lip quivering. I see sadness and guilt.

And just recently, I felt that to be me.

You guys know about where I am job/schooling wise. You have all traveled down this path with me, taken each step with me, and been there for me, too (I cannot thank you enough for that!).

Just recently, I realized that I've been feeling shame over where I'm at. I mean, when people ask me what I'm up to these days, I've felt shameful or embarrassed of where I'm at--or where I'm not at, that is.

Ashamed that I'm not doing anything good enough, anything worth applause or "wow's" in reaction. Ashamed that I'm not doing enough after spending money on my college education.

Digging a little deeper, I realize that this shame has affected my faith. It's made me question where God's got me right now. And it's made me feel mad at Him, too.

So I'm stopping that shame right now. I've said it before, and will continue to say it because I know it's true. I'm the only one with my story, and it's a story worth telling. You, my friend, are the only one who's lived your life, seen things through your eyes, walked every step that you have and you have a story worth telling and living. It's a one-of-a-kind and you're the only one who can live it out.

Jesus has been with you, Jesus has walked with you, Jesus is there for you. And He's put you there for a reason. Each season has its purpose, even if it's not evident to us yet.

Amen?

p.s. I just realized it's the 10th! I'll be posting my set later tonight--will you?


19 comments

  1. i've been feeling the same way lately about what i'm doing/not doing with my education. When people ask "What i'm doing" I just wanna hide, cause sometimes they make me feel worse. It's hard.

    thanks for the reminder that it's not about them it's about where God has me right now.

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    1. I so get that feeling, girl! There are definitely times and days when I want to avoid answering that question because I don't know where I'm at right now--only God does! :)

      Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone!

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    2. Yeah and it's not intentional on their part, but it still makes me feel worse sometimes.
      So true. thanks for reminding me of that :)

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    3. You are so right, a lot of times people just bring it up as means of small talk. Sometimes it can just be overwhelming to hear it all the time! :)

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    4. Exactly, it can definitely be overwhelming to hear it constantly.

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  2. Oh dear girl, there is no reason to feel shame for the season of life you are in. God uses each of us exactly where we're at. I really do hope you get guidance and peace as to where you supposed to be next!

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    1. Amen to that, Susannah! It's tough, I won't lie about that, but these past few days I've realized that it's not about where I think I'm at or where I'm at compared to others, it's about God and His story/plans for me. Thanks for reaffirming that! :)

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  3. Gosh I can identify with the feelings you have been experiencing. I had shame of what I have done with my education, because I haven't had a baby yet, etc. God has been working on me each day to remember my value is in none of those things and that he has me right where he wants me for a reason. So I say the same to you! #yourstoryhisglory, he is already using you to accomplish his will. Thank you for revealing your heart to us. I know it's touched me deeply and served as a reminder I am sure it will minister to more hearts as well.

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    1. Charity, your story and willingness to speak so much truth and honesty is one of the greatest things I admire in you--I'm not even exaggerating one bit on this! You are so right, our value does not lie in what we've accomplished, it lies in God, our Creator, our planner, and our Redeemer. Thank you for the reminder that there is a reason for each season in our lives and thank you for always being such an encouraging friend in my life! :)

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  4. Amen! You literally took the words out of my mouth. I get so tired of not having anything "worthy" to tell, but like you said that just isn't true! And I too have found myself mad at God, stuck in a rut, too stubborn to open His word and see the truth that He was speaking to me. The truth that He never stopped speaking to me. Also, I love the verse below your pic up top! :)

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    1. I get and know the feeling, girl! But fortunately, despite how we feel, God definitely never stops talking to us and that's one of my favorite things about Him. :)

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  5. Amen! Girl, you spoke right to my heart today! Sometimes I have this shame about where I'm at--and I remind myself that this is right where God wants me and HIS plan is greater than my own. :)

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    1. I'm glad you can relate (although, maybe I shouldn't?). :) But it's nice to know I'm not alone and that you understand how I'm feeling. And you are so right, God's got us in our seasons for a reason and His plans are WAY bigger than ours! :)

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  6. sweet friend, i just want you to know that i have been there and sometimes still feel like i am. you are not alone. i have had to learn that our stories are all different and unique and WORTH telling. you are a daughter of the King and precious in His sight. you are worth far more than rubies. and He loves you and your story. afterall, He is the one who has written it :)

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    1. Thank you, thank you for your amazingly wise + encouraging words! There are definitely days when it goes better than others, but somedays I forget and push Him away--right when I need Him most. You are so right, my worth lies in Him, not in the world and what the world (and sin) wants me to do. And I love that last sentence you wrote, my story (and yours, too!) is one worth sharing and loving because He's the one who wrote it. Amen to that! :)

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  7. i learned a while ago that shame/guilt is tied with the devil and conviction with God.
    it's true - satan will do everything within his power to manipulate you and cause a rift in your relationship with Jesus....however he can.
    i'm so proud of you for moving forward - even if it's only a centimeter or an inch...it's still progress. <3
    keep moving kiki.
    {but i also know how you feel - having spent over to $100,000 on an education that i'm not even in the field is hard}

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    1. Ooh, that's good. And SO truthful, too! You're right, Satan does want to ruin my relationship with God, and this is definitely one of those times where I'm glad God stepped in when He did.

      And yes, this progress is definitely slow (which is a frustrating journey in and of itself somedays!), but like you said, progress is progress. :)

      p.s. Why must school be so expensive? It's crazy, I tell ya. :)

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  8. Amen indeed!!!
    The hard part is trying to understand that its okay to feel that way and to acknowledge that you are feeling down or sad or shameful about something. I think the best thing to do is acknowledge it and then its so much easier to move on.
    And the best thing is that you are never alone. You may feel a certain way or feel lost at times, but the best part is you don't walk it alone! :)

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    1. Finley, you are so very, very right. It's the acknowledging part that is always the hardest and yet the most important part. :) And I so agree, knowing that I'm not alone is definitely the best part. Not only do I have Jesus by my side but I also have great and wise friends like you, too!

      Girl, you are so wise! :)

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© IN ITS TIMEMaira Gall