August 12, 2015


image via Unsplash.
I've always wanted to be a smaller. I remember in high school when girls talked about being zeroes and double-zeroes, and there I was squeezing in the double digits.

And even though I've since lost weight, I still battle with self-worth and self-esteem. I still long to be *that* skinny Asian girl. But I've got broad shoulders and not-so-dainty long legs (for my 5'4'' stature, that is). 

A few years ago, I was all about wearing a size small because I could finally fit into that size. And so I wore them, even though I hated how the shirts weren't long enough. But at least I didn't have to hem my jeans anymore! And I was finally the same size as my sisters--we could share clothes!

But as I grow up (or try to), I've realized it's not about the size or the number. It's about wearing what's comfortable. I still cringe at the thought of sizing up (because it brings back the insecurities and fear of getting back to my old sizes) but I've come to the realization that I'd rather be comfortable. I'd rather enjoy the clothes in my closet instead of pushing the hangers back and forth.

So I'm cleaning out my closet, pulling out the clothes I don't like and am starting from scratch again. I want to wear clothes I like, not clothes that were simply a "good deal." 

I want to learn to be okay with the number written on my jeans or the tags of my shirt. I want to remember that it's about being healthy and strong, not skinny and model-esque. 

I was meant to be me, not them. And that's what I want to remember day in and day out. 

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© IN ITS TIMEMaira Gall