November 7, 2016
I feel like there are seasons when my brain works harder than others. When the feelings are stronger and my fingers feel the need to tap, tap, tap on my keyboard to get them all out.
Fall is one of those seasons for me. The days start to get shorter, the weather starts to get wetter, and instead of spending my days outside in the sunshine, I'm curling up with moody music playing in my ears, a cozy blanket, and a laptop that's lived through more years than I ever imagined.
October was grey. The weather was grey and my emotions matched that, too. I went through waves of emotion and heartache and feeling like a jumbled mess. I'd be lying if I said there weren't days when I just went through the routines of my day without even really thinking.
I felt a little numb to it all. I was feeling sorry for myself instead of choosing to seek joy. And there came a point at the end of October where I found myself tired of feeling that way. I was weary and exhausted and needed to let go so I could choose joy again.
And I knew that joy comes from hope. Hope comes from trust. Trust comes from obedience. Obedience comes from love. Love comes from Jesus. At the root of all my moodiness and hurt was a lack of love. And it wasn't that Jesus wasn't showering that love onto me, I was just blocking Him out of my life.
I prayed out of desperation. I prayed out of sadness. But I wasn't willing to put in the work to heal, even though that's what I was praying for.
As a kid, I used to think that if I prayed for something, it would magically appear out of thin air--you know, like those genies who grant wishes with the snap of a finger? Well, let's just say that that's not how most answered prayers come to us. But I truly believe that God listens to our prayers, answers them as He sees fit, and helps open our eyes to see what He's given us (or in some cases, already given us!).
And it's up to us to keep those eyes open. Just as easy as it is to open our eyes, we can just as easily close them or point them to something else entirely. We've got to fix our eyes on Jesus and keep them fixed there, no matter the temptations that pass before us.
Over the years, my prayer requests have varied with the seasons. I've gone through stages of prayer requests--ranging from patience, endurance, joy, kindness, obedience, forgiveness, and now peace. I had to make some tough decisions lately and while I wish I could say they came easily, they did not. The struggle is real, my friends. And in the midst of it all, I find myself praying for peace over and over again. Praying for peace of mind, for rest, and for acceptance of whatever God gives me.
But I know that I wouldn't have come to these decisions if it weren't for Jesus. I would likely be sitting in turmoil, stressed out, and worried. I did and still have my fair share of worrying to this day, but I no longer find myself wavering back and forth because I know I have a God who I can trust and find rest in, too.
I don't know if you're in the middle of making a big decision, or going through a tough time, but I hope you know that there's peace to be found in Jesus.
And that that peace that surpasses understanding is the greatest comfort when life is filled with unknowns.