My entire life is ridden with perfection. One of my best friends in high school wrote in my yearbook that I was just perfect. Reading it actually annoyed me--that was never my goal, and definitely how I would want to be described, even if it was meant as an odd compliment.
"If only people knew." That was (and is) the line I reply over and over in my head when I hear that people are impressed with my life and my work. When people tell me that they can't believe I have this job, that I can "actually cook," or that my creative work is beautiful.
But I've struggled with letting them hear that. I'm an introvert and struggle with letting people in. To be honest, I don't even let my closest family in about my deepest thoughts and worries. And this blog, right here, is the place where I find the most comfort, even if that means sharing my thoughts with the whole wide world.
There's this trend lately with vulnerability--this desire to share our whole selves, even the parts we'd rather not. You all know I'm a huge proponent of authenticity and honesty here. And I know that if it wasn't for honesty, I wouldn't have formed some of my closest friendships here in the blogging community.
When it comes to in-person conversations, however, I've found that my mouth dries up, my words disappear, and my fear of rejection takes charge. I find myself clammed up, mouth shut tight, and heart racing at even the thought of talking about my worries and fears with people.
But I know it's what I need. I need people to see I'm imperfect. That my heart is fragile. That I really don't have it all figured out or put together. I want people to see me as the girl who's been saved by Jesus, not by her photographs or income or education.
Because I've hidden behind those idols. I've let them try to be what defines me. But it's left me hollow inside. And I need to let Jesus, the One who fulfills, be the One who shines through me. I want people to see Jesus, not my works.
More of Him, less of me.
How do you combat perfection? What are your thoughts on vulnerability? Do you ever find it easier to share online than in real life? I'd love to hear your thoughts and tips!
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