YEARNING.

Call it the winter blahs, but I feel like I'm stuck in Groundhog Day, repeating the same routines and rituals day in and day out. Wake up, do yoga/pilates, eat breakfast, take a shower, go to work, come home, go for a walk, eat dinner, take another shower, do some grading, journal, and go to sleep. And then rinse and repeat, right?

Normally, I'd sigh with relief at the thought of having consistency and dependability in my routines, but I'm starting to get an itch and desire for adventure and change, instead.

My typical Type A self likes to control my circumstances and worries about my future more than anything else. I want control and assume that knowing what is to come will make everything more more peaceful. I mean, if I know the answers, there's nothing I'd have to worry about, right? It's quite the opposite, Jesus whispers in my ear with a gentle chuckle. He knows my future, He controls my circumstances, and His timing is perfect.

And I'm starting to really believe that. It's not about controlling my time or plans anymore. It's about finding that desired peace and freedom in total surrender. And as I let all of those truths sink in, I'm discovering how tired I am of thinking that this season of singleness is defined by waiting. I'm not quite sure when/why I started to believe that lie, but I'm done with it.

Instead, I've decided this season should be called yearning instead. While I still yearn for marriage and ultimately family and parenting, I also yearn to enjoy the life and season I've been given right now. I yearn to travel, to embrace the unknown, and to learn and absorb all this world has to offer.

I listened to a sermon recently by John Mark Comer (listen here) and it was such a refreshing perspective shift that's contributed to my itch for adventure. His sermon was on Joseph and how his dream of seeing his brothers bow down to him was different, longer, harder, but better than he first (or could have ever) imagined.

My dream of getting married and starting a family has been on the forefront of my brain since I was a little girl. And I turned it into an idol as I got older. The dream is still very much so alive in my heart, but like John Mark Comer noted in his sermon, it's died as an idol. And it's a death that needed to happen so I could find life and joy in the here and now.

There's a lot to be grateful for when it comes to a consistent routine. It shows that I have a job and income I can live off of. A body that can take me places. And a safe place I can call home. But it's also a gentle reminder that that's not all there is in life. There's change, there's adventure, and there's newness on the horizon, just waiting to be found.

And I'm yearning to discover it all.