WAKE-UP CALLS.

I've been a superficial or lukewarm Christian for some time now. I've been stuck in a rut these past few months and I've hated what it's done to my faith and walk with Jesus. What used to be a strong, determined, and consistent pursuit has become stale and still. Crickets are chirping, if you need some more imagery. 

When it all comes down to it, my beliefs and core faith are still ever-present, but my actions (or lack thereof) aren't something to be proud of. I've been stuck in the same daily routine, reading devotions, journaling, and praying. And I've lacked the drive to do anything more. 

The frustrating part is that I know I need to dig deeper. I know that I need to confront the fears, the sin, the shame that's created this thick wall between God and me. And I know that I won't move forward if I don't do something about it. But I haven't mustered up the strength and will to do that. 

One of the things that I tell my student teachers each term is that they need to be proactive as teachers. They need to be able to predict and then act upon their gut instincts, their education, and what they know about the preschoolers as individuals. 

And oh, how I need to tell myself that in terms of my relationship with God. 

I can't just wait for something to happen, for a sermon to hit my heart, or for wake-up call to come to me in the form of a worship song. A relationship takes two and right now, I've left God at the altar, so to speak. 

And this is when I publicly thank God for grace. When I feel ashamed and frustrated, sad and alone, I know that grace covers ALL. And that it frees me from living shackled to my sins and my past. 

I'm using this blog post as my own personal reminder that I need to be proactive in everything I do, believe, and love. If I want to see progression, if I desire change, if I want to grow, then I need to take some initiative to get there.

And that first step often means kneeling down and letting God in (and letting Him take the reins, too). And then comes the relief of knowing that I don't have to have it all under control, that I don't have to have all the answers, and that I don't have to be perfect--I just need to be willing to move and follow Him when He calls. 

One of the best parts about age is that the older you get, the more you realize that you're not only a student of life, but of yourself as well. In other words, I'm learning that I still do not fully know myself or what life and love and faith encapsulates--and I may not ever get to know what they are and what they mean to their fullest, either.

But what I do know is that it's okay to have this growth mindset, to humbly admit that you're not an expert, not perfect, and in desperate need of a Savior.