IN DISAPPOINTMENT.

These past few weeks, I've found myself face-to-face with disappointment. And to be honest, it's been awhile since I've encountered true disappointment (that is, beyond the disappointment of not getting my favorite parking spot at work in the mornings) so I didn't really know what to do to combat it.

For the first few days, I let disappointment win. I let the bitterness, frustration, and sadness build up and take over. And when I say take over, I mean that I let it dictate my feelings and cloud my mind and heart in almost every aspect of my life. It clouded my ability to find joy and hope in the little things, distracted me at work, and made me bitter towards God. But the thing is, I'm one of those people who hides those feelings and tries to bury them so I don't break any feeling of peace (typical Enneagram Type 9, right?). So from the outside, no one probably saw a thing (but that's another struggle to be written about in another post for another day). 

Even though I was weak, I wanted out. Deep down, truth was speaking and so was God. But the longer I let these feelings take root in my heart, the harder it was to find a way out. I was too weak, too disappointed, and too frustrated to do anything about it. And that weakness opened the door for temptation, shame, and sin to enter in. I felt like I was honestly just living life through the motions and it was hard know what to do to get out of that rut.

But I'm slowly but surely climbing out of that hole. And I know it's going to take some time for me to truly heal and find joy in this season of closed doors and disappointment. This disappointment seemed so extraordinarily painful because it is so close to my heart and something I had prayed, longed for, and dreamt about for such a long time.

To be honest, I'm still not quite sure what kickstarted the slow by necessary change that's just now taking place. But what I do know is that I'm not doing it alone. Thankfully, I have friends who helped me name the emotions. Sometimes all it takes is a simple identification to call those feelings out and face them once and for all. 

It's also taking a lot of prayer and talking with God--and by prayer, I mean brutally honest prayers. Speaking those feelings and spilling it all out to God was just what I needed. I've felt a little stuck lately in my faith and it's usually in those moments that I'm the weakest to my emotions and temptations. 

I've also been digging into podcasts, reading new books, taking lots of notes filled with truth, and writing down lyrics of some of my favorite songs (and listening to Christmas music for some added joy).

Lastly, it was a reminder that these circumstances, this disappointment, these feelings are not what define me. Letting them in means that I'd be letting evil win. And I know that's the last thing I want or that God wants to happen. 

So even though it's the harder one, I'm choosing today to let God in and let Him fight for me. He's my Rock. My Refuge. My Redeemer. And He's ready to fight for us, all we need to do is be still.

p.s. If you're fighting through a season of disappointment or just doubting God's goodness in your current season, give these podcasts a listen and read this blog post, too:

• Girl's Night with Stephanie May Wilson: What do we do when we don't get what we want?
• Proverbs 31 Ministries: The birthplace of disappointment (And I just got Lysa's newest book this weekend and I know it's God's timing that it's in my hands now)
• Sayable: Seeds become fruit and fruit become seeds