ON VULNERABILITY.

VULNERABILITY. This word keeps coming back to me--in magazines, in podcasts, in journal entries, conversations and texts with friends, books, and even on television shows. And I know that it's not just pure coincidence that this word keeps making its way into my heart and mind.

Hurt from past relationships--in the context of friendship and dating--have led me to build some pretty high walls around my heart. I have a hard time truly trusting people with my emotions and my needs and tend to keep to myself and play the role of Miss Independent instead. I'm also your textbook Enneagram 9, which makes it easy for me to merge with others' thoughts and opinions instead of voicing my own.

Put those two things together, and you'll see that this wall that I've got around my heart is locked and wrapped with chains and edged with barbed wire, too. Let's just say that it's pretty hard for me to let my walls down and let others inside.

One of the things that my community group is teaching me is the importance of letting others in and letting others help you. As I get to know these people more and more, and spend time with them as well, I've found such comfort in sharing my life with them. To go back and uncover some of the memories, the victories, and the pain that I've kept inside me for so long and let others impart wisdom and encouragement but also connect and share their lives as well.

And it's made me place an even greater value on vulnerability in my relationships. And that vulnerability allows for greater, deeper connection (which is something this introvert craves and thrives off of!), too. Vulnerability also allows for self-growth, processing, and healing as well. A few weeks ago, I found myself sharing life and struggles with a friend from church and it was in that storytelling that I found myself able to process and discover new takeaways from past experiences.

Like all my other blog posts, I write and share this not because I'm an expert, but because I'm in the midst of learning and discovering who I am and who God's made me to be. And if anything, defining and redefining vulnerability in my life has allowed me to do just that--to embrace the girl that God so uniquely and fearfully made.

Alsoooo, in case you're in a similar season as me, here are some of the things I'm going to tackle to embody and live out a life of vulnerability:

• ASK FOR PRAYER. This is a hard one for me because prayer for me is an emotional and intimate experience. But it's something that is also so comforting and something I love to do for others and should let others do for me, too. 

• WELCOME AND EMBRACE YOUR MESS. The walls you've built are probably hiding some mess. And while it may seem easier to sweep them under the rug or keep them hidden in our closet, we can't truly be ourselves if we don't embrace our mess and let others see it, too. 

• TAKE A RISK. Just do it. Trust me, I know it's hard, but often times that hardest things are the things that grow us the most. And sharing my thoughts, sharing my needs, sharing my desires is not a bad thing. Trying something new is okay--and so is failure or rejection. 

• LOVE YOURSELF. This one seems unrelated, but if you don't love yourself, it's going to be awful hard to let others in and let them love you. I'm still learning how to do this, but the first and most important thing I've learned in building love for yourself is to do so on the foundation of Jesus' deep love for you.

• SPEAK IT, DON'T JUST (OVER)THINK IT. This is likely the hardest thing for me to overcome. My brain can't stop/won't stop. And I'm the kind of girl who will let the over-thinking win. But if I value vulnerability, then I've got to be okay with sharing my thoughts, even if they come out half-processed, grammatically incorrect, emotional, and/or a little rambly, too.