July 1, 2019


Usually, I find myself sharing thoughts on here in the aftermath of hard times--or at least after the healing process has started--but I've felt this tug to share in the here and now, not just in the way back when.

This past week, things have felt a lot quieter. Heartstrings have been pulled. Tears have been shed. Prayers have been said. Questions have been asked.

I know God has been moving. Peace has been filling my heart. Tears are still falling.

And yet I'm still struggling.

I've been struggling to accept God's sovereignty in my life. In many ways, I feel like I've been deceived right now. You see, I've been praying over something for the past year now. Praying weekly or daily at times, praying for guidance and that God would make himself known in this situation and desire of mine.

And for many months, I have felt led to this dream. I saw signs and I felt God moving me forward in this direction of my dream. And I've been praising Him every step of the way.

Yet here I am--not moving where I would like to be. And to be honest, I feel like this dream has just ended. And so here I am, in the midst of this abrupt change and I'm left disappointed. Suprised. Confused. And full of questions.

I've been questioning if my desires were aligned with His, or if they were really mine the whole time. I've questioned where/when I did something wrong. And I've questioned why I was led this way for nothing.

I know this questioning path that I was/am in is a destructive one. I know that that's the last thing God wants me to feel. And I know that the lies are speaking louder than the truth. So I've been trying my very hardest to process, let myself feel these emotions, and muster the strength to keep going.

Which, oddly enough, I feel strong right now. I know that my tendencies are to let worry win, to put a blanket over the hurt, and to run away from the pain so I've been praying. A lottttt. It often starts reluctantly--and not gonna lie, also probably in defiance--but once I start praying, the raw emotions start flowing and God moves in. And it's been the sole means of healing for me in this current season of confusion.

In retrospect, I know that this strength I feel is not mine--it's God's. Clearly, it's not mine because internally, I feel like a hot mess. And while I may look okay on the outside, my heart is breaking. And it's hard for me to explain it to others because it was only a dream and desire. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lose a loved one. I didn't lose my health and physical well-being. But I did lose a dream. And while those things aren't one in the same, I want to bravely say that they're all losses. And they all need to be validated as such.

So here I am. Clinging to faith. Curious about the future. And letting God write my story.

But here's what I am re-writing: the lies that are spinning in my head. I want the truth to speak louder than the lies and I know that writing them here will help me remember them.

God isn't moving in my life --> God is always working.

I'm not worthy --> God created me, God chose me, and God loves me.

I'll be stuck here forever --> God's timing is perfect.

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© IN ITS TIMEMaira Gall