WORD OF THE YEAR UPDATE.

I've needed to write this post for some time now, but have struggled to do so (aka put it off) because I was still in the midst of processing how my 2019 word(s) of the year have changed me thus far. 

Yet here I am, typing away, still trying to process and learn and hitting publish regardless of how "finished" or "processed" both my words, my emotions, and my thoughts are. If anything, I'm learning that there's beauty in the raw, in the imperfections, and in the in-betweens in life.

Way back in January, I declared that 2019 would be the year of letting go and letting God. At the time, I picked the phrase because honestly, surrender was over-used and I wanted to something more unique. And what's more unique than picking a phrase instead of a word?

But I digress.

To be honest, my selfish heart thought that if I picked this phrase, then I would ultimately get what I wanted by deciding to surrender control over it. I think we all know that that's not exactly how God works. He's in the business of giving us what we never knew we needed and definitely do not deserve--life and love from Him. Don't get me wrong, He does sometimes answer prayers exactly as we've prayed, but there are many, many, many other times when He answers our prayers in ways we never even fathomed.

So I'm learning that letting go isn't about doing so with underlying hopes that in doing so, I'll get what I deserve for being "obedient" so to speak.

I'm also learning that letting go doesn't mean I can't still dream. But that the outcomes of these dreams ultimately lie in His hands, not mine. 

Letting go is probably one of the hardest things for this stubborn Type Nine to do. Especially since it's a daily surrender for me, not just something that is said and done. It means coming to Him on a daily basis, sitting on the floor, hands out in prayer asking Him to help me through each and every single day.

2019 so far has been nothing like I hoped, planned, or dreamed about. To be honest, it's also been a year of disappointment. Heartbreak. Deeper friendships. Lots of music. And new beginnings.

And I'm also learning that there's magic in letting go. And maybe that's the greatest reward for that hard work of surrendering. That I get to unwrap the gift of the present every. single. day.

I may not know what lies ahead and that could freak me out (which it does, don't worry), but it also allows for an element of surprise, if we just choose to see life through this lens.