READY.

Sometimes I wonder if people still read blogs anymore, but I know there are people out there and I'm just grateful that you've decided to join me (or continue to stick with me) as I journey on this thing called life. 

As I think back on this past year, I've noticed a difference in myself. Growth. Change. Pain. And lots of callouses and scars. I don't like how they came to be, but grateful that I decided to acknowledge their presence in my life instead of pretending like they didn't exist. There was a long period of time over the past year that I found myself stuck in this in-between stage. I was processing a lot of pain in 2021, years worth that I had ignored and denied in order to fit in. It led me to some deep sadness that I know was there all along butt I had finally let it all come to the surface. I cried a lot in the shower and let the tears fall, missing the place that hurt me the most. 

I felt stuck during that year. Stuck in this cycle of grief and sadness and pain.

I knew that I needed to process and feel the pain and the grief, but I wanted to just move past it all and keep going. While those months were long and dark, I now know what light looks like because I spent time in the dark. 

I feel alive again. 

Every time that I felt like I was ready to leave my faith behind, I cried out and prayed in desperation for God's presence to come quickly. And every. single. time. He did just that. One time it was a song lyric. Another day it was a verse that popped into my mind or IG feed. It was the joy of seeing a little in my class grasp a concept. It was the little things that reminded me of His grand presence in my life. 

But don't get me wrong, it wasn't an easy season. There were some days when I wanted to leave my faith behind me once and for all. I tried running away. I tried to pretend that I never believed. But prayer kept creeping back into my life. And every time I'd pray -- out of frustration or desperation, He would come. 

The last time this happened, I prayed for hope. I was in a dark place and just felt really alone. Apart from my family and co-workers, I lost almost all of my friends after leaving my church. It's been a really lonely year as I tried to figure out what community looks like without a church home and during a pandemic that's left me a little wary of venturing out. I asked God to show me and bring me hope and that week was chockfull of just that. There were so many little moments of joy at work. And that hope carried into my voice and I felt more alive again. 

And it was in late February that I had this moment of just being READY. Ready for growth. Ready for spring's arrival. Ready to be alive again. Ready to venture out and make new friends and redefine community. Ready to dig some new roots into the soil. Ready to sing again. Ready to believe again. 

I'm hopeful that this year still has space and an abundance of newness. Some hard moments, yes, but some really precious moments as well. I am hopeful that God will deliver His promises and that He is coming. I believe again and it feels like I can breathe again. 

I am hopeful. 

I am anticipating.

I am ready.