ON HOME.

When my colleagues ask how I've been lately, it's been hard to really encapsulate how I'm feeling in one or two words. My colleagues mean to the world to me, so I know I'm in a soft space where I can be my true self, but it's hard to even describe how I'm feeling. 

Leaving the city I've called home for more than 25 years is really hard. I've been struggling to figure out where I call home now and as someone who craves consistency, routine, and comfort, it's really hard to come to grips that I'm living in a state of transition for the next few months as I move everything out of my childhood home, one car-ful and drive at a time. 

I've been falling back to the words that my therapist said - that change isn't always a bad thing and that change isn't always bad, but different. And sometimes different can be a good thing. It's still really hard. 

When I'm in the new house, I don't feel like I'm at home. I'm still living out of a suitcase until we have the house more furnished. The pantry and fridge isn't fully stocked yet (something that I know will help me feel more at home - strange, I know). But when I leave the new house to drive to my parent's home, I can't help but cry because I'm leaving the person I love and the person who has become a home for me. 

I've been trying to process these feelings of overwhelm and change, but it's hard because I don't even know how I feel. 

There are moments of deep sadness of what I'm leaving behind. I know I'm going to miss out on little moments when I'm not with my family and that stings. I know that my relationship with my family will also change as I create a family of my own. And I grieve over those things. 

But at the same time, there are also moments of excitement and joy for what's to come. I am eager to start a family of own, eager for the day when I can hopefully have littles running through the house we're turning into a home. I am so grateful for a house and space that we can turn into a home. And so incredibly thankful for a man who I can call my partner and best friend.

All that to say, there's a bittersweet feeling overwhelming me. This change has been really big - and there have been a lot of big changes over the past year or so - all of which I never could have ever predicted. I'm grateful for them all, grateful for the growth that came alongside it. But also a little sad that life has changed so swiftly, too. 

So where do I call home? Right now, I am trying to find the light in having two places I can call home, even if it's really hard to adjust to being away from one home when I'm at the other. 

"You can have more than one home. You can carry your roots with you, and decide where they grow" - Henning Mankell